“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” – Isaiah 43:19
I don’t know what to say. It’s been a year or so since I wrote in this space, and in that time my life has flipped itself upside down at least a half dozen times. My brain has overflowed with words, my soul begging for a release and an outlet to deal with everything that was happening. And now, when I finally manage to get this site back up and running, I don’t know what to say.
This self-doubt has been a hallmark of my life for the last few months. I have put off decisions relating to family, career, and finances. I didn’t put them off because I didn’t want to make them; I put them off because I no longer knew how. For months I had been guided by the firm belief that God had given me a purpose and the steps I took were to be guided by that calling. I felt I had a pretty good understanding of where He wanted me to go, and His directions and promises seemed so clear. And then I watched every one of those promises fall apart. Everything I believed and thought I knew was suddenly reduced to a pile of ash, leaving me to wonder if I had been delusional from the start.
I questioned everything. Had I really been following His will? Was He even concerned enough about me to have a will for me? What had I done to void everything He had promised?
Nothing made sense, and the overwhelming joy and love I had felt through the hardest time of my life was gone. It receded like a canyon flood, eroding my faith as it returned my soul to its natural parched state. Instead of peace, I was overwhelmed with bitterness, rage, and hopelessness. I reached depths that terrified me. I felt my inner demons overcoming any good intentions I had. Every morning I feared what I would become by nightfall.
I don’t know why I happened to read a short devotion at that point, and I don’t remember what it said. What I do know is that from the moment I experienced Isaiah 43:19, it would not leave me alone. The verse mocked me. It was God talking, and I paraphrased it in my head to, “Hey moron, can’t you see I’m working here?” Slowly I started looking again. I wanted to know if I could discern what was coming. I knew there was a change on the horizon, and I started trying to find His hand in everything.
That was when I realized that it was in everything. God had not abandoned me or forsaken His promises. I had just stopped believing them. They weren’t manifesting in the ways I wanted and expected, so I began rejecting them. But there was always light, if I just knew where to look for it.
Confession time. Where I’m at in my life right now, I still reject the promises more often than not. I have so much pain right now, the moments when I can truly say that I’m trusting God are few and far between. But they are still there. And I am trying to get it back together. The important thing is that I know that God will not leave me or forsake me. Now I just have to learn to stop leaving and forsaking Him.