Beginning Again

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” – Isaiah 43:19

I don’t know what to say.  It’s been a year or so since I wrote in this space, and in that time my life has flipped itself upside down at least a half dozen times.  My brain has overflowed with words, my soul begging for a release and an outlet to deal with everything that was happening.  And now, when I finally manage to get this site back up and running, I don’t know what to say.

This self-doubt has been a hallmark of my life for the last few months.  I have put off decisions relating to family, career, and finances.  I didn’t put them off because I didn’t want to make them; I put them off because I no longer knew how.  For months I had been guided by the firm belief that God had given me a purpose and the steps I took were to be guided by that calling.  I felt I had a pretty good understanding of where He wanted me to go, and His directions and promises seemed so clear.  And then I watched every one of those promises fall apart.  Everything I believed and thought I knew was suddenly reduced to a pile of ash, leaving me to wonder if I had been delusional from the start.

I questioned everything.  Had I really been following His will?  Was He even concerned enough about me to have a will for me?  What had I done to void everything He had promised?

Nothing made sense, and the overwhelming joy and love I had felt through the hardest time of my life was gone.  It receded like a canyon flood, eroding my faith as it returned my soul to its natural parched state.  Instead of peace, I was overwhelmed with bitterness, rage, and hopelessness.  I reached depths that terrified me.  I felt my inner demons overcoming any good intentions I had.  Every morning I feared what I would become by nightfall.

I don’t know why I happened to read a short devotion at that point, and I don’t remember what it said.  What I do know is that from the moment I experienced Isaiah 43:19, it would not leave me alone.  The verse mocked me.  It was God talking, and I paraphrased it in my head to, “Hey moron, can’t you see I’m working here?”  Slowly I started looking again.  I wanted to know if I could discern what was coming.  I knew there was a change on the horizon, and I started trying to find His hand in everything.

That was when I realized that it was in everything.  God had not abandoned me or forsaken His promises.  I had just stopped believing them.  They weren’t manifesting in the ways I wanted and expected, so I began rejecting them.  But there was always light, if I just knew where to look for it.

Confession time.  Where I’m at in my life right now, I still reject the promises more often than not.  I have so much pain right now, the moments when I can truly say that I’m trusting God are few and far between.  But they are still there.  And I am trying to get it back together.  The important thing is that I know that God will not leave me or forsake me.  Now I just have to learn to stop leaving and forsaking Him.